In most of my idle times, I would always think of my dream life and the things that I would do. The feeling that those thoughts bring is ecstatic. For a moment, I can feel as if I own the world. I can feel the comfort it suggests. And then also for a moment, I would realize, it’s just a pure imagination and I am back to the reality.
It hurts me thinking that I am not living the life I so long dreamt. I think I have not managed my time well. I think I have traded all the opportunities with a one-night-stand fun. I have almost come to the point where I feel it’s enough to be this way, thus trying to learn new things is not anymore interesting to me. I have lived negatively in the belief that I can get by everyday and that there is always tomorrow. With this in mind, I was left behind by the rest of the people in the world. I have not moved forward. Along the way, I lost my aptitude to learn new things for self-improvement. I lost my confidence in facing and interacting with people which eventually led to my being lost in this labyrinth called life. I lost direction and I think I know why.
I didn’t have God with me.
But don’t get me wrong. He did not forget me. It was I who forgot Him. For over three years since college graduation, I have not attended mass regularly. If I did, I did not receive communion. I can only attend mass during alumni homecoming in our high school. At times, although I could not forget to have the sign of the cross before I close my eyes to sleep, I feel it was not enough to even thank Him for the day. For over three years of being agnostic, I feel I have tolerated committing sins one after the other on a regular basis. I could not anymore feel the guilt nor the bothering conscience. It struck me sometimes to think that I can go overnight in the disco bars hanging out with friends and not being able to go to Church for an hour. I know I have been that sinful and I am totally NOT proud of it.
I hope it’s not too late. Lately, I am feeling the need to go back to God and live my life with His guidance. I know some people would laugh at me saying this, but I really don’t care. At least now, I am feeling that desire to pray again which was lost and dead for the longest time. I am not saying I am going to sin no more, or I would take priesthood to overstate it, but I will really try. This is not going to be easy and drastic. I am taking it step by step until I can finally feel God again.
I want to feel that fear again. That fear to skip Sunday masses. That fear to talk back to elders, parents and bosses. That fear to become overly proud of myself. That fear to stare at those tempting eyes which can lead to a more outrageous sinning, almost always. That fear to stay close to the occasions of sins.
Hoping that in going back to the basics, I would be able to thoroughly course my path to success.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Great companions...
It’s been a century perhaps since my last post. I guess I was infected by the so called writers’ block. And in my still constant bloghopping, I realized I was not the only one who has the same problem. Maybe some have suffered from personal problems or maybe they are damn too busy to even tap the keyboard. Some have even bid goodbye while some were just on hiatus. But in my case, it’s laziness!
Anyway, here’s a shot at reviving the pulse and heartbeat of this blog. For so long, I have always wanted to write about my college life and the people I have met along the way. The five-year journey was one hell of a ride. It was full of excitement, fun, laughter, victories and even pain and tears. If I were to make an article about the entire duration of my college, that would be close enough to be a novel. (I know, I am just exaggerating!).
It is normal for a class to have small groups. The boys, I mean the real ones, would always be together. The old high school friends who seemed to have easily adapted with the college life because they were not at all nervous nor intimidated were seated close to each other. I who was one of the shy ones was of course silent in the corner. But as time goes by, the silent me has become the noisiest unfortunately. Some groups have remained strong while some have dissolved and have either merged into other existing groups or formed another one. The latter appears to be the case of the group where I belong. And we call ourselves, The Merge.
(Boys from left to right: Philmar, Me and Tope, and girls from left to right:Johanna, Diana, Angie, Rara and Nikki.)
The Merge was composed of three guys and five girls. All throughout the years, we would always be seen doing things together. Be it in the library pretending to study, in the canteen, in the gym and basically everywhere in the campus. Outside the school we would still hang out together. Personally, they were and are still the very persons I can count on up to this time after my family.
Here I want to share with you who they are, at least to best of my knowledge, and how they have touched my life.
Tope. The only Chinese bearing name in the class is a very humble person. He never brags about of what he has. He was the undefeated badminton player in school during our times. Although at times, I got pissed off by his jokes and his being frugal, his unique way of cheering me up counterbalanced everything. I have not heard of him much lately but I know, he is still a friend I can turn to.
Rara. Originally from other group, she is the person to trust when it comes to money business. I swear she can be a very successful businesswoman someday. Generous would be the exact word to describe her. When somebody in the class needs money for emergency, she would always be there to lend a helping hand. When we need a place for a group study, a project, or even a dance or song rehearsal for a school program, she would selflessly lend her home as a venue. In our last encounter during her visit here in Cebu, I could say that nothing much have changed except for the nice phone and camera. Indeed, being good in money can take you places.
Diana. The holiest in the group. Although of different religion, we never made our religious differences an issue. In her stories about her family, I can say that Diana is the strongest in character in the entire class. She has experienced so much more about the realities of life than the rest of the people her age. And she pulled it off! Now happily married to her long-time boyfriend, she still checks out my friendster and I on her. We may not have been texting that much, but the feeling is mutual. I know we are still good friends.
Philmar. Bayot. He was the funniest in class. He was one of the first people I became close with in school. He never fails to make me laugh at his jokes no matter how corny they may seem. He lights up everything. He is a fan of Naruto, Bleach, Deathnote and many others which I could not really understand. Sometimes, he never keeps his promises, which in one time led to a semi-cold war between him and Angie. In fairness, he does everything to make up. He is a good companion in my exploration of the gay world we both miserably live in. What I admire about him is his being unpretentious. He doesn’t hide anything. He is real inside out.
Angie. One distinctive character I could immediately associate Angie with is responsible. She is the most responsible person I know. At her young age (FYI: She is 2 years younger than most of us), it is already obvious how well she could handle responsibility, be it in her family or in school. Active in so many things in school, she still managed to stay in the Dean’s List and eventually graduated with honors ahead of everybody. Now working for a company in Manila, she helps her parents in sending her younger siblings to school. That is something I really admired about her. So noble!
Johanna. Along with Philmar, she was one of the first people I became close with. Unquestionably, she was one of the most diligent in class. Music was I think the apparent reason why we became friends. We both love music but sadly she was the only one who was loved back by music. And read this. She never looks her age. She’s no daughter of a goddess but really, she is way younger than her age. I don’t know what her secret is. Because of that, she never is out of boyfriends. And read again. Good-looking boyfriends at that. She is also a great company in uncovering the hot spots here in the metro.
Nikki. The most intelligent in class. I think the incident that perhaps gave us the opportunity to be friends was when we join a certain contest in our first year. From then on, we would always join contests and whatever activities together. She was the brain of the many innovative and successful activities in school. She is a walking encyclopedia for me. She knows almost everything under the sun. She is the influence behind my addiction to art films and film festivals. As a bookworm herself, she also influenced me to read good books. I think the best quality of Nikki is her being open-minded and very accepting. She never judges and would always accept anybody as they are. We don’t go out together more often now because she devotes her time in studying to be a lawyer. I know she will be.
Here are some of the captured memories of our college days...
We don’t see each other that much but I know in my heart and in my soul that the friendship is still getting stronger. Thanks to the Internet, everyone is just a click away. To Tope, Rara, Diana, Philmar, Angie, Johanna and Nikki, thank you for the friendship. I hope this is forever. I love y’all!
Anyway, here’s a shot at reviving the pulse and heartbeat of this blog. For so long, I have always wanted to write about my college life and the people I have met along the way. The five-year journey was one hell of a ride. It was full of excitement, fun, laughter, victories and even pain and tears. If I were to make an article about the entire duration of my college, that would be close enough to be a novel. (I know, I am just exaggerating!).
It is normal for a class to have small groups. The boys, I mean the real ones, would always be together. The old high school friends who seemed to have easily adapted with the college life because they were not at all nervous nor intimidated were seated close to each other. I who was one of the shy ones was of course silent in the corner. But as time goes by, the silent me has become the noisiest unfortunately. Some groups have remained strong while some have dissolved and have either merged into other existing groups or formed another one. The latter appears to be the case of the group where I belong. And we call ourselves, The Merge.
(Boys from left to right: Philmar, Me and Tope, and girls from left to right:Johanna, Diana, Angie, Rara and Nikki.)
The Merge was composed of three guys and five girls. All throughout the years, we would always be seen doing things together. Be it in the library pretending to study, in the canteen, in the gym and basically everywhere in the campus. Outside the school we would still hang out together. Personally, they were and are still the very persons I can count on up to this time after my family.
Here I want to share with you who they are, at least to best of my knowledge, and how they have touched my life.
Tope. The only Chinese bearing name in the class is a very humble person. He never brags about of what he has. He was the undefeated badminton player in school during our times. Although at times, I got pissed off by his jokes and his being frugal, his unique way of cheering me up counterbalanced everything. I have not heard of him much lately but I know, he is still a friend I can turn to.
Rara. Originally from other group, she is the person to trust when it comes to money business. I swear she can be a very successful businesswoman someday. Generous would be the exact word to describe her. When somebody in the class needs money for emergency, she would always be there to lend a helping hand. When we need a place for a group study, a project, or even a dance or song rehearsal for a school program, she would selflessly lend her home as a venue. In our last encounter during her visit here in Cebu, I could say that nothing much have changed except for the nice phone and camera. Indeed, being good in money can take you places.
Diana. The holiest in the group. Although of different religion, we never made our religious differences an issue. In her stories about her family, I can say that Diana is the strongest in character in the entire class. She has experienced so much more about the realities of life than the rest of the people her age. And she pulled it off! Now happily married to her long-time boyfriend, she still checks out my friendster and I on her. We may not have been texting that much, but the feeling is mutual. I know we are still good friends.
Philmar. Bayot. He was the funniest in class. He was one of the first people I became close with in school. He never fails to make me laugh at his jokes no matter how corny they may seem. He lights up everything. He is a fan of Naruto, Bleach, Deathnote and many others which I could not really understand. Sometimes, he never keeps his promises, which in one time led to a semi-cold war between him and Angie. In fairness, he does everything to make up. He is a good companion in my exploration of the gay world we both miserably live in. What I admire about him is his being unpretentious. He doesn’t hide anything. He is real inside out.
Angie. One distinctive character I could immediately associate Angie with is responsible. She is the most responsible person I know. At her young age (FYI: She is 2 years younger than most of us), it is already obvious how well she could handle responsibility, be it in her family or in school. Active in so many things in school, she still managed to stay in the Dean’s List and eventually graduated with honors ahead of everybody. Now working for a company in Manila, she helps her parents in sending her younger siblings to school. That is something I really admired about her. So noble!
Johanna. Along with Philmar, she was one of the first people I became close with. Unquestionably, she was one of the most diligent in class. Music was I think the apparent reason why we became friends. We both love music but sadly she was the only one who was loved back by music. And read this. She never looks her age. She’s no daughter of a goddess but really, she is way younger than her age. I don’t know what her secret is. Because of that, she never is out of boyfriends. And read again. Good-looking boyfriends at that. She is also a great company in uncovering the hot spots here in the metro.
Nikki. The most intelligent in class. I think the incident that perhaps gave us the opportunity to be friends was when we join a certain contest in our first year. From then on, we would always join contests and whatever activities together. She was the brain of the many innovative and successful activities in school. She is a walking encyclopedia for me. She knows almost everything under the sun. She is the influence behind my addiction to art films and film festivals. As a bookworm herself, she also influenced me to read good books. I think the best quality of Nikki is her being open-minded and very accepting. She never judges and would always accept anybody as they are. We don’t go out together more often now because she devotes her time in studying to be a lawyer. I know she will be.
Here are some of the captured memories of our college days...
We don’t see each other that much but I know in my heart and in my soul that the friendship is still getting stronger. Thanks to the Internet, everyone is just a click away. To Tope, Rara, Diana, Philmar, Angie, Johanna and Nikki, thank you for the friendship. I hope this is forever. I love y’all!
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