Back to basic...

In most of my idle times, I would always think of my dream life and the things that I would do. The feeling that those thoughts bring is ecstatic. For a moment, I can feel as if I own the world. I can feel the comfort it suggests. And then also for a moment, I would realize, it’s just a pure imagination and I am back to the reality.

It hurts me thinking that I am not living the life I so long dreamt. I think I have not managed my time well. I think I have traded all the opportunities with a one-night-stand fun. I have almost come to the point where I feel it’s enough to be this way, thus trying to learn new things is not anymore interesting to me. I have lived negatively in the belief that I can get by everyday and that there is always tomorrow. With this in mind, I was left behind by the rest of the people in the world. I have not moved forward. Along the way, I lost my aptitude to learn new things for self-improvement. I lost my confidence in facing and interacting with people which eventually led to my being lost in this labyrinth called life. I lost direction and I think I know why.

I didn’t have God with me.

But don’t get me wrong. He did not forget me. It was I who forgot Him. For over three years since college graduation, I have not attended mass regularly. If I did, I did not receive communion. I can only attend mass during alumni homecoming in our high school. At times, although I could not forget to have the sign of the cross before I close my eyes to sleep, I feel it was not enough to even thank Him for the day. For over three years of being agnostic, I feel I have tolerated committing sins one after the other on a regular basis. I could not anymore feel the guilt nor the bothering conscience. It struck me sometimes to think that I can go overnight in the disco bars hanging out with friends and not being able to go to Church for an hour. I know I have been that sinful and I am totally NOT proud of it.

I hope it’s not too late. Lately, I am feeling the need to go back to God and live my life with His guidance. I know some people would laugh at me saying this, but I really don’t care. At least now, I am feeling that desire to pray again which was lost and dead for the longest time. I am not saying I am going to sin no more, or I would take priesthood to overstate it, but I will really try. This is not going to be easy and drastic. I am taking it step by step until I can finally feel God again.

I want to feel that fear again. That fear to skip Sunday masses. That fear to talk back to elders, parents and bosses. That fear to become overly proud of myself. That fear to stare at those tempting eyes which can lead to a more outrageous sinning, almost always. That fear to stay close to the occasions of sins.

Hoping that in going back to the basics, I would be able to thoroughly course my path to success.