So let me start now.
From the very moment that I gain consciousness of the world around me, I always knew I was different. Alright, gay! I was closer to my mother and my sisters and all my female cousins. I played with them more. I went out with them more often. My father would not allow me to do manly things, those that require strength and physical power. Perhaps, he just loved me more because I am the youngest but he never tolerated any signs of homosexuality that my young self would sometimes manifests. If caught, he would scold me and threaten to drown me in the sea. Yes, the typical jokes about a masculine father threatening to drown his gay son were very true to me. It was frightening to me! Even in my innocent mind that time, I already felt the twinges of rejection. And worse because it’s coming from my family.
The gay manifestations became more obvious when I started school. I met Juanito and Jeafrey whose names before were still John Michael and Jeffrey, respectively. We clicked initially. We had the same interests. We loved the arts. We were always the favorite dancers of our teachers. But despite of this ego-lifting appreciation of our teachers, we still suffered from the harsh teasing of our classmates and schoolmates. Every gay person in the world has surely experience this. It was disturbing. It would always break my day. At the same time, it was in elementary when I completely affirmed my being gay because I had crush on the younger brother of my classmate. His name was Carvin. Seeing him going inside our classroom to get or ask something from his kuya was euphoric. On the sad note though, he never knew I had liked him.
Anyway, high school came with so much more stirring experiences. Destiny may have played its game well because I studied in an exclusive school for boys, The Sisters of Mary Boystown School. It’s an environment where being gay would either be a jackpot or kalabasa. The sisters of course were strict in its most superlative form. There were some cruel guys but it was in this place where I had my fair share of being loved and to love. Noel has squealed about this in his blog. Here, being branded as gay was less painful for me. Maybe because I had my special someone and it didn’t matter whether I was gay because somebody loved me exactly for being that.
The most challenging and the most painful stage of being gay was when I stepped out high school and was living in the real world where people are more tactless and less prudent. This time I tried to change somehow. I tried to act the way a man should. I tried not to show colors of the rainbow in whatever I do. But some still managed to notice and would confront me at face. Deny was all I can do. When I was in college, I acted straight even more. When my parents and relatives would ask me if I have a girlfriend, the only excuse I used was I was still studying. Having one would only hinder my dream to graduate with honors. My classmates of course knew about me but would never confront me. I think it was respect that withheld them from doing so and I love them for that. It was during in these times where I was having doubts, insecurities and even disbelief in God for giving such an enormous burden in my life. My actions were limited and I could not express what is really in my mind and in my heart for fear of being laughed at and rejected. I tried to be the most proper and composed as I can be. It was painful because I felt that I was killing a part, a significant part that is, in myself. To get away, I focused on my studies and accumulated friends whom I believe would accept me as I am, eventually.
And in that auspicious night, (O how I regret not to remember the date) over a silly game of truth and consequence, I opened up to Nikki, Philmar and Johanna about my sexuality. It is not that they don’t have any idea at all, but it is something that should be coming from me. They listened to every details of my story and accepted me even more after that. I must admit I was a bit shy after I told them. It took a while to finally free myself, come what may. It was a total emancipation from my spirit’s vexation. Now, I can freely talk anything to them, to my officemates but not necessarily to my family. I don’t have to act. I just have to be myself. I laugh whenever I want to. I yell at anything that excites me. I flirt around cute guys in the vicinity. I can now freely, not always though, make lust whenever I want to and when my financial power permits me to.
Gay life is not easy at all, most especially here in the Philippines. You can just be discriminated from time to time. Be always prepared to hear criticisms and demeaning insults. You may not also be very lucky in your love life, which I think is always the case. And again, friends are the best creation of God. With them, life is easier, lighter and funnier. One big boisterous can shake all the tribulations off.
Yes, I am gay! I am not totally proud of it but I don’t abhor being one. If that’s my destiny, so be it. I have embraced the fact that I could not like girls no matter how goddess-like their beauties are. I have also accepted the painful reality that straight guys are meant for girls. If Philmar can’t stand the mayas even at a distance, well I am different. I can swallow them.
Personally, I think being gay is not a punishment. It is a way of life. I think there are really some men who just want to be with men. They feel more comfortable with them. They can express more with them. They can even excel in everything with them. They feel more love with them. Everybody’s journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. I think it is our right to love and choose who to love.
I hope I would not be like Leonard Matlovich who said and I quote, “In military, they gave me medals for killing two men and discharge me for loving one.”
Ouch! Life can really be harsh, sometimes.
(Photo credits: www.istockphoto.com)
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