Even if...

The sun is perfect this morning. After many days of heavy rain, the sun has finally shown its beauty. I stood by the door and noticed that there was a puppy in the garage sniffing something I don’t know. Afar I can see our neighbors preparing for the laundry. I thought it must be tiresome to do laundry for clothes used for a week or so. Everything seems to be perfect except my heart.

I woke up with a heavy heart. The pain that this thing called love brings hits me again. People may not notice it because I can easily make a façade and try to look happy but deep inside I am actually hurting. I feel that my heart is squeezed and the squeezing pain makes it hard for to breathe. I was holding my tears from falling down because I don’t want the people in the house to know what I am really experiencing. I am trying to make everything appear okay so that they may not be able to acknowledge that I am broken. At least by doing this, I am not bothering other people for my foolishness.

I met W at the most unexpected place in the most unexpected time. I did not really expect that I would fall for this person. You see as I grow older, my standards have also matured in some ways. Before, physical appearance is the first priority. Of course, who would want to have a partner who is not attractive at all? But W’s impact to me is just different. W’s cheerfulness is so infectious that whenever I see that smile, my heart jumps in gladness. W’s text telling me to eat on time and sleep well is very flattering. I have never known someone before who would send me messages of concern even my parents. But don’t get me wrong. My parents are of course concerned of me, they are just not so expressive about it.

I was hoping actually that somehow we may reach to a certain level of relationship. I took all W’s words and actions so seriously. I was happy being with W even if I knew that W was just there as a friend and nothing more. The pain of not letting W know about my feeling is nothing compared with the joy that W’s mere presence brings. I know I am overly dramatic and OA but sorry I just can’t explain how exactly I was feeling every single time that I was with W.

And now that W’s gone, I mean not dead, I feel so alone and lonely. I feel that something important to me has been taken out of my system by force. I know that although W is just around the place, the fact that I won’t be able to look at the smiling face still brings tears to my eyes. The song of Jam Morales, Even If, perfectly describes what I feel right now about W.

Even If
Jam Morales

All those sleepless nights
All the tears I cried
All the pain I kept inside
I kept asking myself why
You had to say goodbye

Was it just a dream
When you said to me
That there is someone new in your life
You could have at least lied
The truth just scared me

Chorus:
Even if...
You mean the whole damn world to me
I can forget you, wait and see
I can be strong even without you
I can't waste my life forever
Hoping you'd come back to me
But deep inside I know
I'll be waiting here for you

(instrumental)

Even if...
You mean the whole damn world to me
I can forget you, wait and see
I can be strong even without you
I can't waste my life forever
Hoping you'd come back to me
But deep inside I know
I'll be waiting here for you

I have been keeping this feeling to myself for more than three months now. I know I am stupid not to let W know everything. I am happy and hurting at the same time. I don’t know really. But I can move on. I am in the process actually. This post is the start of that. I am letting go. I am letting go of my happiness for the best of everybody. Yet no matter how much pain I have felt, it was all worth it. There is one thing though that I need to tell W. “Remember me once in a while, please promise me you’ll try.”