What if?

I am about to turn 27 this year and I am not living the life I so long dreamed. This is the reality and it really hurts. Sometimes, it just pains to see other people, even younger than my age achieving their goals, and rejoicing over them. It even hurts me more because a lot of people are expecting that I would be SOMEBODY after graduation. And I feel like I am disappointing them.

In my mind, I know that my family believes that I would be the hope in alleviating them from the dungeons of poverty. They have high hopes that I would do well in the working world considering that I did well in school. But again, reality struck me. Fresh from graduation and equipped with confidence, I tried my luck here in Cebu and realized that I am not a star. I applied for companies and had my fair share of rejections. At first, it was hard to accept considering that I was one of the leading students in our school, modesty aside. But Cebu has its own treasures. It has its own galaxy of stars. And I simply pale in comparison.

Nonetheless, I did not lose hope. After I resigned from my first job, I took a crack at applying to different companies even if they were out of line with the degree I finished. I had really a hard time looking for a job because I felt that I was being blocklisted by the people of my previous company whom I have conflict with. There was even an instance where I was actually accepted already for an internal auditor position but after they called my previous office, suddenly they declined me for the vacancy. Honestly, I did what I think was good in my previous company. I was just being true to myself. I was just being fair. I was just protecting myself and my friends. I was only standing by my beliefs. But you can’t please everybody indeed! Some people in my previous office reacted negatively on the way I carried my job, on the way I speak my mind. Some believed me but it was too uncomfortable to continue living in an environment where people just wanted me to fall short. In another words, they wanted me and my friend out of the office. I left in total relief, so I thought.

I now work for an accounting firm also here in Cebu. At the beginning I had fun because I was assigned in Victorias City Negros Occidental. I was challenged by the volume of work the client was demanding from us. I may have spent sleepless nights just to finish the needed reports but I felt I have grown. Until, the client terminated our contract and eventually triggered for our transfer here in Cebu. The transition was a little bit awkward. I had new officemates and their presence was so intimidating at that time. I must say that first impressions don’t always last. My new officemates actually became real friends, and that is one thing I am grateful for.

And then something not so good happened.

That something, which I opted not to disclose here, made me realize that I am reaffirming the universal truth, if that’s what you call it, that history repeats itself. I felt again the gawky feeling that I don’t belong to the place again. After the resignation of most of the original staffs here, I felt that the office is half empty and until now that space has not been filled. When they left, I think that I was also left unprepared. Quite not safeguarded but definitely self-challenged. I was challenged that perhaps I would be able to stand up to their expectations and standards. That someday I would be like them, professionally first-rate.

And then that something happened.

I was lost. I have never been told by anyone something that can actually make my morale go down. I know in my heart that nobody deserves such kind. My ex-officemates told me that I should look for another haven, somewhere where I can truly be the best of myself. Somewhere where respect for each other prevails. Somewhere where I can be genuinely happy. And I think I would have to agree with them.

But here is the dilemma again. What if history repeats itself for the second time? What if I won’t be able to find another job? What if they would do the same thing that my previous employer did to me? I know, I am so paranoid but what if?

These thoughts make me really miserable. I don’t want to just end up like that. I have to achieve my dreams still. I have to help my family. I have to be happy. I have to live by the expectations of the people who believed in me. I am glad I am still sane to know that I don’t have to rush everything. I still believe in the power of prayer. I still believe that someday, I am gonna find my place. When would that happen? I just have to wait and pray.